Losing Weight Journal

The mountain and the hummingbird. 2013 March. LakeTahoe. USA

I am in America at Lake Tahoe. My husband and kids went skiing and I stayed in the hotel room to write. It would be interesting to communicate again with “light me” and “heavy me”. What is lightness and what is heaviness for me? Many people around me are busy with self-development and want to become “lighter”. The heaviness of the soul is associated with old age or callousness. But those are usual thoughts… Today, I want to try to live my weight…

I am trying, remembering me being skinny and the feelings inside my body. I get up to feel the lightness of my body.  I concentrate on experimenting with my body weight. Jumping up and down helps to feel my lightness. My mood becomes playful. Jumping sends shivers down my spine. I start naturally whirling around my room…then a cover of a magazine with a hummingbird, caught my eye. That’s such a similar image to my experience!!! How would I live and what would I do if I was a hummingbird?

As a hummingbird, I would fly to everything that attracts me, not thinking about any meanings or aims. Lightness! The world itself would tell me what to do. There is an image of flowers and a tiny bird in front of my eyes. This bird is just like a feather. It just follows different flirts. From one flower, to another.

O.K. then… And what does it mean “I am fat?” I try to spread all my weight on the sofa, as if all the microscopic folds on my belly are getting bigger… Bigger… enjoying this spreading experience.

While I was doing it, my husband and son entered the room after snowboard lessons, both sweaty and happy and gave me lots of tasks to do, in quite a commanding manner – to have the coat dry-cleaned, get ready in 45 minutes…and they left for another snowboard ride.

I try to return to my feeling of me being spread on the sofa and understand that probably my men have something to do with this inner dreaming that is happening now. …I continue with my experiment … I become heavy and immobile. My movements become slower. I feel like I can’t be moved. I am very…hmmm…CONCRETE in this state – I can’t be moved, can’t be baffled. ……My thoughts run towards my husband. Yes! In my perception, my husband is very concrete, he always plans his life and tries to plan mine as well. Sometimes it makes me angry. We sometimes we fight about this. On the other side he is definitely a support in my life.  He is a very big anchor, my anchor.

I close my eyes and become heavy and solid just like a mountain again. I look at my life from this solid, comforting perspective and try to give myself advice.

Mountain: “Just start making more everyday, concrete, useful deeds. Think of big dreams, plan how to make them happen, step by step. You will get sustainable results if you are consistent.”

Hummingbird:  “Do things that bring you happiness, it’s a better navigation system. Follow inspiration. Destiny leads you with flirts and attractions, it sends you ‘flowers’. Hey!”

I see now that during my WHOLE LIFE I have been really happy, feeling that I was connected with something greater. Something Greater is guiding my life, but I still can’t understand it. I am happy to feel this connection!

Mountain: “Well I agree and understand the logic of living life following signs, flirts and attractions.  It unites us with a Bigger Force.   Thank you for your intuitive light nature dear Hummingbird. But look deeper into the essence, the origin of these attractions. Follow the meaning, the very nectar of the flower. That is your everyday practice.”

Two energies, heaviness and lightness, are trying to dialog with eachother in me. To help that process, I decided to imagine a place in the world, where those two characteristics would be in harmony with each other. I am looking out at the window. I see mountains and dancing snowflakes. Beautiful! And I imagine myself being a spirit of this place, the Lake Tahoe Spirit. I shapeshift into the spirit. My breathing attracts my attention. I pay attention to it. Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out… Some calm voice inside me says: “To lose and to find, to lose and to find once again… To find a goal than achieve it, lose it again and find again….  Realize projects, and then leave them, lose your own self.. And regain it again…” … Connect with something bigger and then express it firmly in the world, and connect again…. This is life. You simply inhale and exhale»

Xenia: “I like this! This is a very well-grounded attitude towards lightness. This is a joyful way and a way I can rely upon.”  ould be in harmony with each other. I am looking out at the window. I see mountains and dancing snowflakes. Beautiful! And I imagine myself being a spirit of this place, the Lake Tahoe Spirit. I shapeshift into the spirit. My breathing attracts my attention. I pay attention to it. Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out… Some calm voice inside me says: “To lose and to find, to lose and to find once again… To find a goal than achieve it, lose it again and find again….  Realize projects, and then leave them, lose your own self.. And regain it again…” … Connect with something bigger and then express it firmly in the world, and connect again…. This is life. You simply inhale and exhale»

Xenia: “I like this! This is a very well-grounded attitude towards lightness. This is a joyful way and a way I can rely upon.”
.