Report on my work on relations with my work partner. February 2013. Moscow
I have noticed that lately, I often repeat that I don’t want a sexual implication in my work with my male partner. On the other side, CREATIVITY itself (at least it used to be like this in my perception) is a “sexual” thing, in a way. I don’t want to play the role of a “woman” with him, but I want us to have fun. Play, experiment…I hope it will be spicy for both. I realize that I am trying to take sexuality out of its brackets and, for me, as a psychologist, this is a sign that I should do a big work exactly on this subject: work on my fears. Ahhhh! Scary!
It’s important for me to work this out with him, safely, with support. I decided to do this with a group of colleagues and a teacher. Just because I feel very unsure and slippery with all this….
So I decided to talk to him and invite him to the seminar. And he came.
Me: “I would like to offer you to make a project together, but I fear that I might not be a good partner, that I lack something. …. I started to mumble, being shy to say how I felt. …..Actually, I’m afraid that we won’t be equal. Yes, I have the finances to put into business, but I don’t want you to see in me only a sponsor or a woman. How can we work this out together? I don’t have any experience in filming. I’m happy to learn though…”
He: “I see a very strong and interesting person in you, a very clever psychologist. I want to work on a project with you because you are an interesting, incredibly deeply feeling and open person. Your personality and your qualities are great for making a documentary. And do not worry; I don’t need your money, or your husband’s. His tone of voice became tense. I understood his fear of me. He is afraid of money as much as I am afraid of his male power. Both of us are afraid of becoming dependent, lose control. We are afraid that someone will dictate.”
I am wailiiiiiiiiiiing……
He: “Why are you crying? Did I hurt you?”
Me: “No! This is just the first time (I am trying to speak clearly through my sobs and tears) a man tells me frankly that I am precious for a project thanks to my skills and qualities of character … (Wailing). And I do not like that I got so emotional now; I am very ashamed that instead of discussing a project with you, I am wailing (wailing).
He: “I think I get it….You worry that I see you only as a woman.”
Me: “Yes. And that would spoil everything. You would look down at me and spoil my relation with my husband. He would be jealous, feeling that our relationship is not a purely professional –partner relationship.
He: “But I do not necessarily have to perceive you as a woman. I do not want to sleep with every beautiful woman.”
Me: “And what about fun and spark and feeling high and going out of the norm…? We want it. It is impossible to create a film without it! What should we do?!?!?!”
The leader of the group, who had been silent all that time, suggested that we try to express our feelings in movement instead of through conversation. To feel how it would feel with a high between us? This suggestion seemed to be interesting as I saw that our conversation was not leading to an understanding. We had to go beyond the limits of a stereotyped vision of the situation.
So, we started moving, I allowed myself to do and feel anything. It was a safe place for an experiment… hmm what is it my body wants in his presence? I felt the immense desire to walk past all the group members and step on their chests. And I did just this. Euphoria… the sweet euphoria of domination…finally I have the chance and freedom to feel it. Like I always imagined men feel with a woman. Fun. It’s fun to openly dominate. But is this what I need??? Thus I approached everyone and enjoyed my moment of physical domination. My colleagues allowed me to learn this in myself …. But after a while I felt it was not IT. Not something that I really ached for… but what did I want? Then I approached him with the same intention.
He: “No, I don’t like it like this.”
Me: “Just once, please….I said in a sexual voice.”
He: “It is hard to resist you … but NO. This is not comfortable for me, I do not want.” he said it, and didn’t allow me to do so.
Me: “Just once, please….” I begged softly.
He: “I am sorry, but NO.”
Saying “No” he countered me by not allowing me to get on top…
I kept on trying for ten more minutes but he was firm. Then I thought to ask: “And how do you want it?” We sat on the floor, trying different positions and variants of positions of our bodies. Something always was uncomfortable for one, something for the other. As a result our legs interlaced and our position started reminding me of a Kama Sutra position, our body postures were identical. This was a position “of equals”, close, face to face, sitting. Looks were open and direct. I felt relieved, strong, and breathed out freely…
Me: “Is it good like this?!”
This was an amazing body experience. The wisdom of our bodies chose the best position for a balanced relationship. I felt strong in this and honest. I did not have to pretend or to manipulate. This felt RIGHT. I learnt from him, from US, from the group, how to say “no”, how to say “yes”, how to be together, in pleasure, how to accept fears, how not to kick back. And this was not at the level of thoughts, but with my whole body.
— THANK YOU!!!!!