It. December 30, 2011. California
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?»
«That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.»
«I don’t much care where –»
«Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.”
Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
If I look at everything I wrote, it seems as if I’m trying to establish with and tune my relationships to a bigger force that some call God, Fate, Karma Law…with something bigger than me, that knows and will show me the way to discovering my next step. The problem is that I feel in a weak, dependent state right now. I’m stamping my feet in helplessness and saying “I don’t want to play in your performance, bad puppeteer!!!!”. In that case, the BIG one doesn’t talk to me, or maybe I don’t understand IT.
Can my “weight problem” be anything important in this dialog? I hope so. What if IT is saying something to me in this particular way? I try trading places, I go to the other side of the room imagining myself as the Power that controls my life, as the Puppeteer…it doesn’t work…no matter how much I try, it doesn’t work, no way.
…Then I look at the place where I was standing before. It’s like looking at myself from the outside. I look at the “small me”…Aha! That’s easier. It’s easier to see myself small, than to feel big. While looking at my small self, I start noticing a shift in self-confidence. I feel firm inside. My body posture relaxes as if I take up more space. Yes, my body feels firmer and bigger. It feels good. I keep looking, enjoying these feelings…letting myself take even more space in the room, allowing my expressions to come out… After a while, words come, and I naturally engage in dialogue:
Big me: “You look a bit lost. What’s happening?”
Small me: “Why am I here? What’s the meaning of my life? I want to understand… This whole struggle with how I look bothers me so much and is eating me from inside! But I feel ashamed to even start dealing with it because it seems so shallow, so insignificant and very immature.”
Big me: “Xenia, for now, solve the problems I give you, in your day-to-day activity. That’s your growth and your task for the moment.”
Small me: “But I want to understand my mission, my meaning, to understand where I’m headed. I don’t want to be busy with solving the meaningless and empty task of becoming slim. It’s not serious! I’m grown-up and strong! I have to have my own, personal pursuit. I can help people. I want to be useful!”
I change my position in the room again. I notice how my posture becomes more gathered again, my back straightens, my facial muscles relax and I notice a new confidence and clarity coming from inside.
Big me or Fate: “Your task for now is to find joy in your everyday simple routine, mastering your weight is one of them, and to gracefully fulfill meekly the tasks I give you. Meekness and discipline! Do not get caught up in trying to understand the overall meaning of your life at this point.”
Small me: “Actually what you are saying is very helpful. Unexpected, but it makes sense. There are quite a lot of daily issues that I push aside. It could be really fun to practice my inner work skills on them, study myself, meet myself. Thanks for the tip!”
Personal observation: Yeah…Wow! My Fate is very strict ☺). Can’t understand a thing… It won’t tell me the meaning of my life. But at least it’s clear — the weight problem — that’s exactly what I have to solve first, regardless if it looks small and shallow. Without avoidance, without switching onto other things, without equivocation, completing the task and hoping, trusting that on the way something will be revealed about the full meaning. Good job!