Food. March 2013. California
I am still curious about my craving. Literature gives us various ideas, but I am interested in finding my way, my meaning. I close my eyes and imagine this inner feeling which comes at night, a moment before I would go to the kitchen to look in the fridge. It is like something is being sucked in. And my mouth makes this sound OUUUUUSCHSCHSCH, as if something really is being sucked in. How interesting.
I make this sound louder, repeating it again and again, trying to understand its deeper nature. If I kept on sucking in, more and more …what would happen? I imagine myself being a giant sucker, like a huge vacuum cleaner. OUUUUUSCHSCHSCH OUUUUUSCHSCHSCH…. I imagined sucking not only the sandwiches, hamburgers and sausages from the fridge, but leaves from the trees, sand, all the trash from the roads… I would suck in everything that isn’t attached, everything that has no roots…… AHA! Yes! Everything that has no roots. There would remain only the tree trunks and new leaves, mountains and posts planted into the ground. Everything besides that would have been sucked into this huge vacuum annihilator. How astonishing! I see how the meaning and the mission of my Craving’ is to destroy everything that is not meaningfully implanted in my life. So, everything that is not rooted in my path, everything that has no nutrient, I shall sweep aside. Sweep aside, clean and cross away like something from the past or something too light-weighted.
“Hey, Xenia”, — I addressed myself when I woke up. You are like a plant that dies quite often, letting out seeds. Some of those sprout if placed in fertile ground, and others wear out and turn into dust. The roots sprout and once again a new cycle begins. Look at yourself through time; you merely live many lives and deaths. This is so great! Do not search for the meaning of your life, because every life of yours has its own meaning. When you were a child, you lived in Belorussia like a little tom-boy, and then became a creative teenager, then a doctor, a traveler, a peace child, a psychologist, a businesswoman, again a psychologist, a conference organizer… and so on. And every life you lived through, you lived passionately with love and devotion.
Ok, so what now? And how can I lose weight?
I heard the familiar strong inner voice of the Bird- teacher. “Your size always corresponded to your life cycle. The desire to lose weight only hints that it is time to strike roots again, to get planted in soil. You have been “flying” for too long and its starting to become too “groundless”, boring. Root in something that makes your heart beat, in something that will make youyrestless at night, something that will switch on all your resources and willpower. It’s time to create new you
And meanwhile I am flying and flying like a seed looking for the right soil.
To die and to sprout once again in a new place. – Movement and change
I remember that for about a year I regularly saw in my dreams the death of the community to which I belonged. For about two years I was idle after one of my big projects, I couldn’t find a place for myself even in my beloved company, being its director, it was as if I was looking, looking for something. Recently, I changed the country where I lived. But I understand that I do not want to root in Switzerland. Because My roots are not in a specific place or city. They are somewhere else. What ground I shall find next time, where am I being led to? I know you can’t understand it until you get there…. Oh that is so stressful.
Lara the Bird: “But there is an astonishing freedom. As long as this period of idleness or flight lasts, the best thing you can do – is to let yourself dream. Broadly, absolutely boundlessly.”
Me: “There are obstacles for DREAMS. Those are old relationships, obligations, causes. Old me. Old roots.
Lara the Bird: “Then get over things that burden you!!!! Shake up your wardrobe, literally! Throw away old dresses that are old-fashioned or not so enjoyable to wear. For a start you can make a ritual and give away your old wardrobe. Delete boring friends from your Facebook, delegate burdening tasks! … Wow! I have got an idea! Close your Moscow wellness center which does not bring you happiness or meaningful friendships anymore. Everything old goes to the dump! The vacuum cleaner has to start working.”
Me: “I need at least a week for that.”
Lara the Bird: “You can have a week and a half, if you need it. ☺ But hurry up! Dreams are knocking at your door and they need you to be light and free.
Me: “I am scared to throw away everything I’m used to. What kind of dreams will come knocking?”
Lara the Bird: “You feel your dreams are about videos, travels and documentary movies … but nothing is specific so far, you just have not found yet… But for now — get relieved, get relieved… Switch on the vacuum cleaner.”
The vacuum cleaner has switched on. I am writing letters to everyone, restructuring the office workflows, freeing myself from relationships. I went out to the balcony and my husband decided to tell me about a book he is reading. It took my breath away! It was a book about a psychiatrist treating the syndrome “a passenger without luggage”. A man with this syndrome is under the burden of problems and loses his memory and ….creates a new personality. This is what can happen when you are taking tooooooo long with the process of getting rid of everything old! Ha-ha! What an excellent metaphor for my process!
My husband has finished the chapter and intended to pick up children from skating lessons.
— How long will it take you to finish writing your diary?
— A few weeks, I hope.
— We will soon fly to Geneva and you can stay here alone if you want. We won’t distract you. What else can you do in Los Angeles?! You can go shopping to Rodeo drive, and then back to writing.
— And I do not want to go to Rodeo Drive. They sell only evening dresses there. And I imagine myself with short hair, wearing cool hiking boots; t-shirts. It’s a cool style and comfortable for travelling.
I caught his loving smile and went on vacuum cleaning.