Losing Weight Journal

Feeling of the flow. February 2014. Geneva.

Looking back at my writings and the place where I started, I want to thank myself for this journey.  At the beginning of my journal, I suffered and felt lost and unattractive, empty inside.  I was not moving my body a lot and felt that food was more like a curse. My past was holding be back. I was trying to make sense of my path, feeling suppressed by a bigger Force leading it.

And now. How do I feel?

I do not have a professional identity; I am not physically so beautiful and not slim. But I love me now. It feels freeing.

I found a craft that I like, a language with which to speak out, participate — filming. Filming is also like a practice, with which my deepest aspirations and childish dreams of a better World can be rediscovered and shared. I am in love. I have a romantic relation, a sweets-and-flower period with my PROJECTS and I want them to grow into true love. I am not a “professional”, I just learn! I learn and share!

I got to know myself much better. Knowing myself is a strong support. Like a mountain inside me.  And I also feel it’s exciting to forget and lose myself and rediscover over and over.

I have a great team, community and partners whom I love and respect and enjoy. Exploring the World gives me wings. Learning psychology gives me the precision of the hummingbird.

Whenever I am in California, I run with pleasure. For me it’s like meditation – a meeting with myself. I eat beautifully arranged and mostly healthy food. It’s important for me to be in good physical condition, especially during film shooting and travelling.

I still weigh approximately 69- 70 kg and my entire life has become bigger, fuller and much more substantial as well.

And what is happening on a more practical, consensus level?

For the past two weeks,  I am happily busy, editing the filmed  TV program about the greatest  psychologists from California and Buddhism in Burma. Yesterday, I found a sponsor and we agreed that we would make one more movie about Burma in a BBC format. We made a great, beautiful movie about meditation and about an astonishing country, probably the only one in the world still living according to almost unrealistically kind, moral principles of Buddhism. They are just so different, so inspiring, these Burmese, like on another beautiful planet…. Also, they are transforming into a more modern society… and they HAVE something to teach US. We have this chance to learn from THEM…before they’re crushed by modernization. This reminds me of the history of my country, nothing to stop the inexorable change, but at least a film will make this beauty of heart live longer. They are so beautiful and strong…I am looking at the shots and note with happiness … ( I am proud of myself) that I am seeing, not the way I look in my films, but the way my actions fit into the screenplay or how I managed to reflect in it, all those ideas of human spiritual search, wisdom, vulnerability and power…  that are so beautiful because so rich and fundamental for me right now. I finally know what it is to be rich and beautiful. I like being in the picture, I love taking interviews, I like shooting and editing as well, and of course inventing the storyline and core idea. I am happy to bring out the essence of another person or culture. I am happy.

But for how long is filming going to excite me so much?

I do not know. It helps me meet the World and speak to it. This new language may change someday, but the relationship is there and is strong.

Did I do this myself or did I dance with it…?

I feel I did it, dancing!

What does it mean being «in the flow»???

So many answers to this question… For me right now, this means living the TALE of my destiny. I am both the hero and the spectator.  How to get back in the flow if I slip out? ☺ I will start from where the energy is – excitement or trouble.  I will look for what feels tasty and also look in to my Dragon’s eyes — try to meet him and hope to make him my ally.

And who is the ‘director’ of my life, my ‘Destiny Creator’?

We have not met in person yet. But, I feel him/her/it (I wonder, is this a man, a woman, an idea, a formula???) by my side, and from time to time in my meditative states we talk :)) It’s like being a co-pilot, like being a bird that trusts the wind…