Feather in the wind. December 29, 2011 California
“Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes to you from focusing on what excites you. Passion comes when you do things you love. When you lust for something — you can work all night long. Passion is power; it’s the fuel necessary for your success. Find your passion and devote your life to bringing it to life, no matter how long it takes you.» Oprah Winfrey
Have you seen the movie “Forest Gump”? The main character’s life really reminds me of my own. In case you haven’t seen the film, I will explain. Forest Gump wasn’t smart, but he was very open and everything good and bad happened to him. I mean, he was not doing things on purpose, things just happened to him. Just like a feather in the wind. That’s how I am. I have an odd talent to be in the right place at the right time with the right people. I do nothing special, but it comes together by itself. Sometimes, I think the less I do, the better it comes. I noticed a long time ago, that if I exert and push myself, I spoil the deal and do not get the results I want. As soon as I relax, my intuition kicks in, magic happens.
So I asked myself today, out of curiosity — How does it happen exactly, Xenia? I “fall in love”. Yes. Attracted and IN LOVE with the idea, people, deals and just surrender myself to it totally. That’s the way IT happens. But even though I have all this magic and wonder, I’ve never had the feeling that I created something myself. This is not my creativity. Sure, they can say it’s a wonderful skill to be able to ride the wave of change, to trust the flash of unreasonable infatuation, attraction, to be able to stand up to it and to get the prizes. But this is what I say to myself:”Xenia travelled everywhere but created nothing of her own.” I’ve already mentioned my existential crises. That’s exactly how it sounds to me. ”Fate has given me everything and I haven’t created anything by myself.”
Meaninglessness, uselessness, guilt…I’m writing this now and the image of a dry cow comes to me — disgusting. It’s a cow and moreover it’s a dry one.
Who is the one who creates my life the way it is? Who blows the wind of change? Who is he or she, this wave I ride my life on, who feeds the cow, but who has forgotten to milk it? God? Fate? I don’t know. It’s a riddle… and when I try to connect to its power, it doesn’t happen. On the contrary…I end up in a powerless state.
The only times I feel “at the helm of my life” is when I try to control my weight.
Personal observation: I note my self-depreciation and try to investigate my writing from a more neutral position. So, I don’t understand this power that rules my life right now. But the image of the cow that came could definitely be easier to comprehend. Probably I give milk, but do not know about it? Maybe my ‘milk’ is just different. Oh! That’s a fun thought!
What is the most natural thing that I do in life?