Looking back at my writings and the place where I started, I want to thank myself for this journey. At the beginning of my journal, I suffered and felt lost and unattractive, empty inside. I was not moving my body a lot and felt that food was more like a curse. My past was holding be back. I was trying to make sense of my path, feeling suppressed by a bigger Force leading it.
And now. How do I feel?
I do not have a professional identity; I am not physically so beautiful and not slim. But I love me now. It feels freeing.
I found a craft that I like, a language with which to speak out, participate — filming. Filming is also like a practice, with which my deepest aspirations and childish dreams of a better World can be rediscovered and shared. I am in love. I have a romantic relation, a sweets-and-flower period with my PROJECTS and I want them to grow into true love. I am not a “professional”, I just learn! I learn and share!
I got to know myself much better. Knowing myself is a strong support. Like a mountain inside me. And I also feel it’s exciting to forget and lose myself and rediscover over and over.
I have a great team, community and partners whom I love and respect and enjoy. Exploring the World gives me wings. Learning psychology gives me the precision of the hummingbird.
Whenever I am in California, I run with pleasure. For me it’s like meditation – a meeting with myself. I eat beautifully arranged and mostly healthy food. It’s important for me to be in good physical condition, especially during film shooting and travelling.
I still weigh approximately 69- 70 kg and my entire life has become bigger, fuller and much more substantial as well.
And what is happening on a more practical, consensus level?
For the past two weeks, I am happily busy, editing the filmed TV program about the greatest psychologists from California and Buddhism in Burma. Yesterday, I found a sponsor and we agreed that we would make one more movie about Burma in a BBC format. We made a great, beautiful movie about meditation and about an astonishing country, probably the only one in the world still living according to almost unrealistically kind, moral principles of Buddhism. They are just so different, so inspiring, these Burmese, like on another beautiful planet…. Also, they are transforming into a more modern society… and they HAVE something to teach US. We have this chance to learn from THEM…before they’re crushed by modernization. This reminds me of the history of my country, nothing to stop the inexorable change, but at least a film will make this beauty of heart live longer. They are so beautiful and strong…I am looking at the shots and note with happiness … ( I am proud of myself) that I am seeing, not the way I look in my films, but the way my actions fit into the screenplay or how I managed to reflect in it, all those ideas of human spiritual search, wisdom, vulnerability and power… that are so beautiful because so rich and fundamental for me right now. I finally know what it is to be rich and beautiful. I like being in the picture, I love taking interviews, I like shooting and editing as well, and of course inventing the storyline and core idea. I am happy to bring out the essence of another person or culture. I am happy.
But for how long is filming going to excite me so much?
I do not know. It helps me meet the World and speak to it. This new language may change someday, but the relationship is there and is strong.
Did I do this myself or did I dance with it…?
I feel I did it, dancing!
What does it mean being «in the flow»???
So many answers to this question… For me right now, this means living the TALE of my destiny. I am both the hero and the spectator. How to get back in the flow if I slip out? ☺ I will start from where the energy is – excitement or trouble. I will look for what feels tasty and also look in to my Dragon’s eyes — try to meet him and hope to make him my ally.
And who is the ‘director’ of my life, my ‘Destiny Creator’?
We have not met in person yet. But, I feel him/her/it (I wonder, is this a man, a woman, an idea, a formula???) by my side, and from time to time in my meditative states we talk :)) It’s like being a co-pilot, like being a bird that trusts the wind…
Each of us thinks we are cracked in some way. But that is because we identify only with our normal identity. If you can’t change something, discover what it’s for. A. Mindell
And for people that are interested in psychology, I’d like to share my understanding of what I worked on these years from a PW perspective:
- My Secondary Process was to be big and heavy. I also had an edge being small and light. Working on this polarity in various channels, I became more fluid with these tendencies. That helped me to follow my dreams in a more effortless, more natural way.
- I worked on sexism and lookism and became much friendlier with the World. Instead of being victimized by social attitudes, I now feel myself being a part of the world community. I share my visions with it; I engage social dialogues through social networks, TV programs and films.
- I also worked on food addictive tendencies, by finding different ways to have a tasty, spicy filled life.
- I worked on my dependency to men and sex by self-managing and supporting myself in having a more juicy life with clearer directions.
- I worked on my inner critics by teaching myself to reformulate their messages in a more supportive, positive manner. Over time it grew into an Inner-Teacher, Inner-Doctor and Trainer.
And at the end, I want to offer 2 small exercises to the reader, so you can try it yourself. I’d like to invite you to participate in this fun PW self-discovery as well. You will need about 20 minutes to complete each. Find a place where you can be alone. This can be a room in a house or a place in nature, a place where you feel safe and large enough for free movements. Take a few sheets of paper with you, a pen or colored crayons. Enjoy!
- Think of an issue in your life that you haven’t been able to solve for a long time. Then put it aside.
- Remember what was the most annoying for you in this above diary? It can be a person or a state of being or an approach to life or anything else. Try to feel the very essence of the quality that you are annoyed by. Take a sheet of paper and draw this quality……. Then express it in motion or dance…… Forget about the content of this quality, simply express the energy in motion. Maybe a song or a melody will come with it…… Take your time, just moving and singing until you start enjoying this energy. Express it strongly, enjoy it. Become THE Spirit of this dance
- Now, look at yourself, normal you. What do you see? What changed in your perception of yourself? How do you see yourself different?
- Being this Spirit, look at your life line and situation that you named as a problem at the beginning of the exercise. Give yourself an advice on it. Write it down. Create a reminder of it in your computer or another place where you can regularly see it.
And a second one:
- Think of one thing that you liked the most in this article. It can be anything – a person, a feeling, a quality, an idea.
- Think of someone in your life who actually lives a bit like that, practices this way of living or just naturally expresses it from time to time. If you do not know anyone, think of a cartoon character or just invent a character
- Draw it, move like it, and create a fairytale about its life if you wish. Invent its slogan, message to the world.
- Think of your life. Where in your life you recognize it a bit. Where in your life you might find this quality already?
- Think where in life you could use it more.
- Save its picture on your desk as a daily reminder