Camera. June 2013. California
And what do I see when I look at the world through a video or photo camera lens?? I’m trying to understand today why I am so dazzled with the visual imprinting of the reality.
Video for me seems like squeezing juice, essence. Filming is like catching the essence of beings.. Well it’s pretty clear that I am trying to work on my perception of things. I suffered for a long time from the way the World looked at me, at my appearance. Now I look at the world using a camera. How does it help me? What exactly does the camera change in my perception? I feel that the camera makes things more neutral or it’s better to say it shows things the way they are……….It’s interesting how every time I try to understand myself, I need to close my eyes and when I try to understand the world – I open them and take a camera ☺). With the camera, I am very curious and attentive and notice all the small details. I note unusuality in everyday reality. That is what I do when I film!
Lara the Bird: “Great Xenia! It feels like not only want to become a world citizen but you are meeting the World, making up with it, making friends. Do you want to do an inner work on it today??? .. To see how The WORLD is looking at you?”
Me: “Great idea!”
I took the looking glass and looked at myself. Who is that “me” that is now looking at me?? Right at this moment “the one who is looking — is my “World” in a way. I become an observer of myself. So what and who am I exactly and what do I see??
Observer: “You are fat girl! And you have wrinkles. That is what I see in you. I think you are getting old.”
Xenia: “That is hurtful attitude. Don’t you see anything good about me? It does not help to be criticized. I wish you were more supportive.”
Observer: “Sorry I thought that telling the truth was a good motivator to live a healthy life. I want you to be happy and live the life that you dream about. And I want to support you to be healthy and strong.”
Xenia: “Thank you for that! What is the most painful is that without knowing me you judged me from my appearance! To know me and support me, you have to look deeper and learn more about me. To understand my strengths, you need to know my story, what I went through in life. You need to see how despite the obstacles and personal history, I believe and go for my dreams and at the same time, try to be a good person without hurting others. You should see how despite the fact that I’m a woman who grew up in a patriarchal oppressive society, I try to speak my truth. You should see how hard it is to find my way and calling when there are no examples, role-models in front. You need to see how I try despite my age to learn new things, update my life. Hey! Look deeper, look into my essence to see my strength and beauty and youth. If you really want to See me.”
Observer: “Yes, that is what I was looking for and now I see it! Great for you, speaking so strongly and lovingly about yourself. That’s special and different! And I am learning from you to look deeper and more lovingly. And I think, You can surely teach that.”
Xenia: “And I am learning to express myself not only visually but also verbally. I am learning to see deeper and speak about things that matter. With a loving, light attitude. That will be the essential approach to my films also!”
Observer: “I see you”